Good Wanks Gone Bad

Okay. So we’ve all been there. Right? Had a moment when the urge overtook us to take matters into our own hands and TCOB which then may (or may not have) lead to a moment of embarrassment and possible regret. Below are seven stories of such moments shared by fellow netizens.

I’m Not Ready for My Close-up Mr. Demille
Sometime around 2003 or 2004 we had a video recorder. Ya know, back before cell phones were cool. So for some ungodly reason I decided to videotape my session, and that was the end of that. Anyway, fast forward to 2013 and my wife surprises me and my family for a special occasion with videos of my best friend and I. Cut in the middle of the video of my best friend and I having fun to me rubbing myself through my gym shorts saying some super weird shit to the camera before whipping it out and stroking it on home video. My poor mom freaks out and tries to turn it off but ends up hitting fast forward, so I’m double-timing myself. I have never gotten out of a house so fast in my life.

Source: Buzzfeed

Don’t F*ck with Barbie’s Man
This is mortifying. I still shiver and block it out when the memory arises: I tended to use whatever was available at the age of 16; in my case, my little sister’s Ken doll was just the right size. Being widely uneducated about how it all worked down there at that point, I would just sit on it and rock.

Well, we all know how easily those Ken heads popped off…yep. Into the vajayjay. The problem was, I could not get it out myself. I flipped completely out, thoughts of it going up into my uterus and damaging my internal organs (again, not properly educated!) flying through my panic-induced brain.

What did I do? I told my mother. Took a deep breath, then blurted, “I was masturbating with a Ken doll and the head came off inside me!”

The look on her face was a mixture of anger, disappointment, and embarrassment. But she took me upstairs, and attempted to get it out. I was crying, mortified to the core.

It got worse. She couldn’t get it out. So she got my FATHER…who then got his pliers. That worked.

Dad never talked about it again; mom walked out of the room, scolding me, saying, “Come talk to me next time you want to do that!”

At least I didn’t wind up at the hospital?

Source: thebestnews.com

Making My Own Pickle
I am a 19-year-old guy, and one afternoon I thought it would be fun to insert a cucumber all the way into my anus. I had done this before and was always able to pass it back out easily. Well, this time it went in, and I couldn’t get it to come back out. I also had a previous engagement with a friend that afternoon, so I reluctantly went with the cucumber still in my anus. I was fine for most of the afternoon until I felt it coming! Needless to say I had to rush for the bathroom, but nobody was the wiser. That experience scared the hell out of me, but it was still fun.

Source: thoughtcatalog.com

I Wanted to Know What It Feels Like to Be Pretty
When I was around 12 years old, I would lay on our couch in our attic “rooting for the Yankees.” As a late bloomer, I could jerk for hours without any messy consequences. One day, I forgot to shut the door and my mom came up the stairs to see what I wanted for dinner. I quickly wrapped a nearby blanket around my waist (my pants and underwear were under a nearby pillow) and tried to play it cool. My mom asked what I was doing and I (as a clever 12-year-old) told my mom, “I always wanted to see what a skirt felt like. Maybe one time I can try your heels on? I’m just a curious kid!” My mom never came upstairs to the attic without plenty of warning after that afternoon.

Source: mandatory.com

Work That Pom-Pom Girly
When I was 14, like everyone of that age, I was horny all the time. I had even made a dildo out of an old pom-pom, sickly and strangely enough. I used the little, rubber handle as my plaything.

I had a very private bedroom, the only one on the first stairs, and I had my own bathroom nearby, to boot…so I got away with a lot.

I had gone in my bathroom, and I was masturbating, almost ready to have a major orgasm. I heard my mom call downstairs, “Hey, J***** is here!!!” That was my friend, and I guess she had come to invite me to go out and play ball, or something.

I just yelled back, “Could you tell her Ill be right there, Mom?!” No answer. I didn’t know then that my mom had already allowed J***** to go down to my room already, and that she was hiding under my bed!!!!!

Before anyone could catch me, I scurried to my room with my pants around my ankles, pom-pom in hand. I closed the door behind me, and leaned against it, “finishing the job”. I was sitting there, quietly moaning, got done, and pulled up my pants. I tossed the pom-pom behind my dresser, the usual hiding place. I opened the door to go upstairs to see my friend.

Just as I opened the door, out comes J***** out from under my bed, smiling. “BOO!” she yelled, laughing. I nearly had a heart attack. What had she seen?!?!?!

We hung out the rest of the evening, and she never once let on that she saw me masturbating with a pom-pom handle. GAWWWWW!!!! I still don’t know what she saw, or if she saw anything. The thoughts have rolled through my mind, though, “What if she was under my bed, but facing the wall?” I figured that was the only way she wouldn’t have seen! Maybe she was just being nice, and didn’t want to embarrass me.

I still don’t know, to this day. It was, by far, the most awful thing that happened to me, embarrassment-wise. Scope out the room before doing that kind of thing, that’s for sure! I’ve said it before and Ill say it again…The early teenage years are HELL!!!!!!

Source: thatsembarassing.com

Let the Sunshine In
I almost got caught. Well I was watching wrestling smack down on cable and then Lita vs Torrie Wilson came on, and as you do I felt the urge to have a bit of a go at their presence. Torrie Wilson got her shirt ripped off so I went for it hard…a little too hard. I felt my load starting to come out. I was in my bedroom and panicked. So I got up and started to run for the bathroom, with my hand over my cock. I could feel my hand getting warm from f*cking cum so I was running quick and just as I was about to get in the bathroom, I blew my load on the hallway floor. I could hear my parents watching ER I think it was at the time in the lounge room and I was praying that the commercials didn’t come on. So with the bathroom door open wiping down my dick and hands and flushing stuff down the toilet I kept looking over my shoulder at the big ass load in the middle of the hallway hoping that no one got up. I grabbed anything, I think it was my towel and wiped it all up. Now every time the sun comes through the window in the afternoon u can see a big gizzz stain on the floor. But no one is the wiser.
that’s my story.

Source: forum.bodybuilding.com

Tent Pole
One of my older stories was when I first moved to my dad’s house in Texas. We didn’t have any internet because the cheese goats at AT&T hadn’t set it up yet. So I had to resort to soft-core porn on HBO. Now I’m not sure if you guys know, but it’s hard going from hardcore Lela Star to some no-name bitch who dry humps some cheese goat on some HBO sex special.

But anyways, I tried my best and proceeded to climax when my step mom stepped into my room to turn the TV off. I immediately turned my head and acted like I was asleep while I blew my shit underneath the sheets (I masturbate underneath my sheets for some odd reason but I pull it out when I climax. Yeah, I know weird). Only thing is I had a huge tent poking up from the blanket and she just stared and walked away without turning the TV off. Needless to say it was awkward the next day.

Source: forum.khinsider.com

Sex Wonks Podcast Episode 44: Alone Again!

Ed is happy to report that our dear Ms. Sparks is alive and well. It appears she’s lured her latest boy toy to her love lair and as a result has barely left the bed for several days. And while the desire and  passion of her lover’s kisses burned, shortly thereafter she found her ass on fire with work deadlines and is once again unable to record the podcast. So this week for a second time–you our 20 regular listeners will have some quality time alone with Ed.

It’s ironic that Ed is going solo again this week as he’s discovered that May is National Masturbation Month (NMM). That’s right Wonkers (or is that Wankers?), there’s a whole month devoted to choking the chicken and slapping the crack. Who knew?

As a way to celebrate, NMM Ed has put together a couple of masturbatory top ten lists. The first is a top ten list of songs about self-pleasure. And the second list is a top ten list of cinematic moments relating to banging the bishop. What’s your favorite?

Hope each of you are the master of your domain!


ecw
ed.c.wood@sexwonks.com
www.sexwonks.com

Sex Wonks Podcast Episode 14: Sex Is Just a Fantasy

Life is just a fantasy – do you live an erotic fantasy life? This week the Wonks explore the world of sexual fantasy. First up, Ed and Rosa ponder which makes for better fantasies—celebrities or people from our real lives? Ed confesses that during his younger years he would most often think about celebrities such as George Michael, but that today, most of his masturbatory fantasies are about people he’s encountered in real life. Rosa shares that it appears both she and Ed have lived parallel fantasy lives because she herself used to have fantasies about Cy Curnin. However, she too finds that her current fantasies – more often than not- are about former lovers. Rosa throws out the question, “Which celebrity would you fuck today?” Ed’s answer: George Clooney or Brad Pitt. The Wonks play a quick game of “Who Would You Do?”. Ed and Rosa take a trip down memory lane with fantasies they’ve explored. Ed shares a story of spanking that went horribly awry. Rosa next relays a story of going Rambo on a former lover’s ass with curious results. Ed shares fantasies relayed to him by a new fuck buddy and his feelings of being intrigued by them. The Wonks wrap it up with a plea to you, the listener. Please share your fantasies with us!

You can find more of the Sex Wonks @ www.sexwonks.com.

Email your comments, questions or feedback to holla@sexwonks.com.

Calls us on our listener line! 202-580-8594

Like us on Facebook! www.facebook/SexWonks

ecw
ed.c.wood@sexwonks.com
www.sexwonks.com
@HardEdCWood

Sex Wonks Podcast Episode 13: O Solo Me Oh

It’s lucky 13 for the Sex Wonks this week. And while it may be lucky Episode 13, there are times when—well we don’t always get lucky. When this happens, what’s a horny Wonk to do? Rub one out of course! So this week the Wonks discuss all about taking care of it yourself. First up, Ed shares a story about his recent encounter with a new toy and fear of  getting it stuck. Next, Rosa shares a dream from years ago in which she curiously had an outtie rather than her usual innie. Rosa and Ed then discuss their early experiences with solo pleasure. Ed shares his initiation to solo sex with a couple of childhood friends and his discovery of the pleasure of spanking the monkey while spending the summer on a family farm. Ms. Sparks then shares that she was a wee bit tardy to the party with regard to self-pleasure. Ironically, Rosa’s initial introduction to sexual pleasure was with partners. It was only years later that she explored the waters of self-satisfaction. The Wonks then ponder the oft-asked question, “Is solo sex cheating when you’re in a relationship?” And finally, do you jerk at work? The Wonks do and they want to hear your stories.

You can find more of the Sex Wonks @ www.sexwonks.com.

Email your comments, questions or feedback to holla@sexwonks.com.

Calls us on our listener line! 202-580-8594

Like us on Facebook! www.facebook/SexWonks

ecw
ed.c.wood@sexwonks.com
www.sexwonks.com
@HardEdCWood