Letter to the Professor: Unruly Heart

“You just need to release your self and let me come in. You are my wine!”

Dear [Whatever Name You Want to Feel],

You have beautiful words. I am a lover of words and so they are important to me and I appreciate them. But I have also learned the harshest of lessons recently about what words can and can’t do. There is nothing and nobody but my own heart who can decide when it will release itself and when and who can come in.

“You just need to” is great advice, but life doesn’t work that way. Unfortunately, there is not enough room for anyone in there at this moment because it had recently filled and overflowed with the missing piece of my soul. I’m not quite sure you truly understand the profundity of what I am grieving. I’m not a teenager. I have had my heart broken and I have broken other hearts. What I am grieving is the other side of a conversation that my soul had been missing for thousands of years. An epic connection that told me my dreams were all coming true and that I’d wandered in the desert for 40 years and it was all worth it to eventually find this person.

One doesn’t “just” do anything when that inexplicably goes missing except to first struggle to even wake up each day. It’s progress when one no longer wishes for death to come in the night. It’s even enormous progress when one gets to a point of thinking that maybe the Universe will prove her wrong and that there could be hope for future love. Someday.

I have made big progress, but perhaps not enough yet. It is a process. And yes, I’m ultra aware of time. I never expected to be “here” at this point. Much as I hate to waste my precious time grieving, I must also accept that grief takes its own time and journey and we cannot force it. There is clearly a lesson that it needs me to learn for the next half of my life and I haven’t quite yet wrapped my head (or heart) around the lesson. Perhaps I am slow.

The last decade of my life has been about giving myself away to men who claim to love and accept me for ALL that I am – the “good, bad and ugly” – but who ultimately flake out because they never truly loved me – only loved the IDEA of me. Right now I must focus on healing myself and loving myself or I will not be any good to any other person who might be worthy of me or I of him.

You should ask yourself: are you really interested in a Jew with tattoos who doesn’t like to feel tied down and who runs a sex podcast and blog? I may look good on paper – I am well-educated, I have a fabulous resume and I am the consummate professional. I am loyal, playful, honest, kind, generous, sensual, loving and real. But I’ve also caused people to want to take their own lives because of my inability to commit. I’m not so sure you’re aware of the freak that I really am. I could ruin your reputation.

Even in “normal” times I am a “runner.” If things get too close or pressurized for my free spirit, I will run and leave someone flapping in the wind. And I am feeling pressurized now. My heart is not peaceful. You certainly deserve more.

You want babies. I fear the loss of my freedom and the woman I need to be first with the birth of babies. This is a fundamental divide for us. Funny, though – with the one I lost I was the woman I wanted to be and every cell in my body had cried out to make his babies as if it were Written. With him, I didn’t feel pressurized or trapped or feel the need to flee. The butterfly had found its nectar home. Or so his precious and perfect words had (mis)led me to believe.

The only person I need to let come into my heart right now is ME. I have forgotten about me for a long, long time. It cannot come from the outside in. It must come from the inside out. It has taken me 41 years to learn this.

I hope you have a lovely day.


Photo provided by freedigitalphotos.net

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