Good Wanks Gone Bad

Okay. So we’ve all been there. Right? Had a moment when the urge overtook us to take matters into our own hands and TCOB which then may (or may not have) lead to a moment of embarrassment and possible regret. Below are seven stories of such moments shared by fellow netizens.

I’m Not Ready for My Close-up Mr. Demille
Sometime around 2003 or 2004 we had a video recorder. Ya know, back before cell phones were cool. So for some ungodly reason I decided to videotape my session, and that was the end of that. Anyway, fast forward to 2013 and my wife surprises me and my family for a special occasion with videos of my best friend and I. Cut in the middle of the video of my best friend and I having fun to me rubbing myself through my gym shorts saying some super weird shit to the camera before whipping it out and stroking it on home video. My poor mom freaks out and tries to turn it off but ends up hitting fast forward, so I’m double-timing myself. I have never gotten out of a house so fast in my life.

Source: Buzzfeed

Don’t F*ck with Barbie’s Man
This is mortifying. I still shiver and block it out when the memory arises: I tended to use whatever was available at the age of 16; in my case, my little sister’s Ken doll was just the right size. Being widely uneducated about how it all worked down there at that point, I would just sit on it and rock.

Well, we all know how easily those Ken heads popped off…yep. Into the vajayjay. The problem was, I could not get it out myself. I flipped completely out, thoughts of it going up into my uterus and damaging my internal organs (again, not properly educated!) flying through my panic-induced brain.

What did I do? I told my mother. Took a deep breath, then blurted, “I was masturbating with a Ken doll and the head came off inside me!”

The look on her face was a mixture of anger, disappointment, and embarrassment. But she took me upstairs, and attempted to get it out. I was crying, mortified to the core.

It got worse. She couldn’t get it out. So she got my FATHER…who then got his pliers. That worked.

Dad never talked about it again; mom walked out of the room, scolding me, saying, “Come talk to me next time you want to do that!”

At least I didn’t wind up at the hospital?


Making My Own Pickle
I am a 19-year-old guy, and one afternoon I thought it would be fun to insert a cucumber all the way into my anus. I had done this before and was always able to pass it back out easily. Well, this time it went in, and I couldn’t get it to come back out. I also had a previous engagement with a friend that afternoon, so I reluctantly went with the cucumber still in my anus. I was fine for most of the afternoon until I felt it coming! Needless to say I had to rush for the bathroom, but nobody was the wiser. That experience scared the hell out of me, but it was still fun.


I Wanted to Know What It Feels Like to Be Pretty
When I was around 12 years old, I would lay on our couch in our attic “rooting for the Yankees.” As a late bloomer, I could jerk for hours without any messy consequences. One day, I forgot to shut the door and my mom came up the stairs to see what I wanted for dinner. I quickly wrapped a nearby blanket around my waist (my pants and underwear were under a nearby pillow) and tried to play it cool. My mom asked what I was doing and I (as a clever 12-year-old) told my mom, “I always wanted to see what a skirt felt like. Maybe one time I can try your heels on? I’m just a curious kid!” My mom never came upstairs to the attic without plenty of warning after that afternoon.


Work That Pom-Pom Girly
When I was 14, like everyone of that age, I was horny all the time. I had even made a dildo out of an old pom-pom, sickly and strangely enough. I used the little, rubber handle as my plaything.

I had a very private bedroom, the only one on the first stairs, and I had my own bathroom nearby, to boot…so I got away with a lot.

I had gone in my bathroom, and I was masturbating, almost ready to have a major orgasm. I heard my mom call downstairs, “Hey, J***** is here!!!” That was my friend, and I guess she had come to invite me to go out and play ball, or something.

I just yelled back, “Could you tell her Ill be right there, Mom?!” No answer. I didn’t know then that my mom had already allowed J***** to go down to my room already, and that she was hiding under my bed!!!!!

Before anyone could catch me, I scurried to my room with my pants around my ankles, pom-pom in hand. I closed the door behind me, and leaned against it, “finishing the job”. I was sitting there, quietly moaning, got done, and pulled up my pants. I tossed the pom-pom behind my dresser, the usual hiding place. I opened the door to go upstairs to see my friend.

Just as I opened the door, out comes J***** out from under my bed, smiling. “BOO!” she yelled, laughing. I nearly had a heart attack. What had she seen?!?!?!

We hung out the rest of the evening, and she never once let on that she saw me masturbating with a pom-pom handle. GAWWWWW!!!! I still don’t know what she saw, or if she saw anything. The thoughts have rolled through my mind, though, “What if she was under my bed, but facing the wall?” I figured that was the only way she wouldn’t have seen! Maybe she was just being nice, and didn’t want to embarrass me.

I still don’t know, to this day. It was, by far, the most awful thing that happened to me, embarrassment-wise. Scope out the room before doing that kind of thing, that’s for sure! I’ve said it before and Ill say it again…The early teenage years are HELL!!!!!!


Let the Sunshine In
I almost got caught. Well I was watching wrestling smack down on cable and then Lita vs Torrie Wilson came on, and as you do I felt the urge to have a bit of a go at their presence. Torrie Wilson got her shirt ripped off so I went for it hard…a little too hard. I felt my load starting to come out. I was in my bedroom and panicked. So I got up and started to run for the bathroom, with my hand over my cock. I could feel my hand getting warm from f*cking cum so I was running quick and just as I was about to get in the bathroom, I blew my load on the hallway floor. I could hear my parents watching ER I think it was at the time in the lounge room and I was praying that the commercials didn’t come on. So with the bathroom door open wiping down my dick and hands and flushing stuff down the toilet I kept looking over my shoulder at the big ass load in the middle of the hallway hoping that no one got up. I grabbed anything, I think it was my towel and wiped it all up. Now every time the sun comes through the window in the afternoon u can see a big gizzz stain on the floor. But no one is the wiser.
that’s my story.


Tent Pole
One of my older stories was when I first moved to my dad’s house in Texas. We didn’t have any internet because the cheese goats at AT&T hadn’t set it up yet. So I had to resort to soft-core porn on HBO. Now I’m not sure if you guys know, but it’s hard going from hardcore Lela Star to some no-name bitch who dry humps some cheese goat on some HBO sex special.

But anyways, I tried my best and proceeded to climax when my step mom stepped into my room to turn the TV off. I immediately turned my head and acted like I was asleep while I blew my shit underneath the sheets (I masturbate underneath my sheets for some odd reason but I pull it out when I climax. Yeah, I know weird). Only thing is I had a huge tent poking up from the blanket and she just stared and walked away without turning the TV off. Needless to say it was awkward the next day.


Sex Wonks Podcast Episode 48: The Garden of Sensual Delight

The Wonks are free-balling it this week. There’s no plan and we’re just shootin’ the shit. First up, Rosa shares the shocking news that she and her man have yet to do the deed. That’s right, boys and girls – Rosa’s yet to have penis-in-vagina sex and fuck the new man that she’s been seeing for a couple of months. And while one might think that not fucking would be a let down, instead this isn’t true for our dear Ms. Sparks. As she approaches this relationship like George Costanza by “doing the opposite,” Rosa has discovered that the anticipation and sensual delights that are being shared are creating a deeper burn in her loins.

And speaking of sensual delights, Ed had an amazing moment with a random stranger he met on the internets over the weekend. Mr. Wood did a massage exchange with a gentleman he found through a web site devoted to the art of touch. Much to Mr. Wood’s surprise, the gentleman rocked his world when they spontaneously became the Scissoring Sisters.


Sex Wonks Podcast Episode 47: Titty Twister?

In this episode Rosa’s got her tits in a twist—in a good way mind you. Rosa’s new man is all into her boobies and can’t resist a grab at them at every opportunity. With all these PDAs going on, it begs the question.. when are he and Rosa going to have sex on a bus or a train?

Gordon Gecko goes down, but not for the count. Michael Douglas has recently revealed that he had throat cancer that is result of oral sex. After complaining of symptoms for nine months and doctors not finding anything, he was finally diagnosed with stage four cancer, treated with chemotherapy and has been cancer free for two years. Live strong Mr. Douglas.

Who knew? Rotten eggs are an aphrodisiac. Well, not exactly. However, the Hydrogen Sulphide gas (which smells like rotten eggs) emitted by Italy’s Solfatara volcano in Naples is proving to be natural viagra for men there who suffer from erectile dysfunction. A drive-through site has been set up with ‘sex booths’ – in the shadow of the volcano – so couples who need a little boost can harness the power of the crater’s gas. However, if you make a visit to this hot spot, don’t get too carried away and lose track of time – because Hydrogen Sulphide, while it may help men get it up, can also prove to be toxic when inhaled in large quantities.

Making love out of nothing at all? Au contraire! It’s an art form, which is being documented in a future independent film about the Air Sex World Championships. And what are the Air Sex World Championships? Basically just what it sounds like –  a contest of pantomimed acts (similar to playing the air guitar), but involving totally different kinds of instruments and subject matter for that matter. The film’s production company is raising funds through a Kickstarter campaign. And if you act fast enough with your pledge, you have a chance to be a judge at one of the scheduled competitions. To make a pledge find the Kickstarter campaign here.

Are you going to attend the stoning? Apparently folks in Pueblo, Colorado did. Residents there, angry that police had not warned them about sex assaults of local children, took matters into their own hands. They chased down a man they thought was the attacker, pelted him with rocks and left him with a bloody face before the authorities intervened. The 54-year-old man accosted by the mob (who was later released due to lack of evidence) decided not to file charges against his pursuers and told the police chief, “Folks were reacting to a bad situation and I don’t want to go that route.” Why is there never a crucified martyr around when you need him?


Sex Wonks Podcast Episode 46: Bad Sex!

Once again Ed is on his own. Rosa’s gone MIA for yet another episode.

At the top this episode Ed confesses that he’s become a fan of HBO’s Girls. Also, he shares his thoughts about the HBO movie Behind the Candelabra.

Got sex? Is it good? Ed has found some stories via The Huffington Post and The Smoking Gun of folks who are having some, ummm, rather bad sex.


Sex Wonks Podcast Episode 45: Don’t Be a Dick – Take 2

The Wonks are back! Did you guys even notice that we were gone? While she was away, Rosa got herself a delivery from the cock truck. And while Rosa’s not yet fucked the man connected to the cock, she’s been getting some mighty kick-ass orgasms nonetheless.

First up in the main segment this week is a story from the UK and a whole lot of kray kray that happened on a commuter train between from Newcastle to Carlisle. Apparently a drunken group of mates decided to roll their own porn as the train rolled along – all to the horror of their fellow passengers.

And speaking of public sex, it might be best that you’re careful where you free your willie, as one gentleman discovered whilst receiving a hand job in Manchester. Much to his surprise – and the young woman who provided said wank – they were caught by a Google Street View car.

Okay, you’ve been warned: Don’t be a dick! Because Ralph Polnicky learned that lesson the hard way. Because if you are a dick, you might just be terrorized with a sex toy!


Sex Wonks Podcast Episode 44: Alone Again!

Ed is happy to report that our dear Ms. Sparks is alive and well. It appears she’s lured her latest boy toy to her love lair and as a result has barely left the bed for several days. And while the desire and  passion of her lover’s kisses burned, shortly thereafter she found her ass on fire with work deadlines and is once again unable to record the podcast. So this week for a second time–you our 20 regular listeners will have some quality time alone with Ed.

It’s ironic that Ed is going solo again this week as he’s discovered that May is National Masturbation Month (NMM). That’s right Wonkers (or is that Wankers?), there’s a whole month devoted to choking the chicken and slapping the crack. Who knew?

As a way to celebrate, NMM Ed has put together a couple of masturbatory top ten lists. The first is a top ten list of songs about self-pleasure. And the second list is a top ten list of cinematic moments relating to banging the bishop. What’s your favorite?

Hope each of you are the master of your domain!


Sex Wonks Podcast Episode 43: 50 Shades of True Blood

Ask not for whom Ed Wood ummms – he ummms for thee. This week Rosa has apparently gone missing in action. So all of you lovely listeners (all twenty of you) get some quality alone time with Ed this week. Lucky you!

Ed was recently suckered into upgrading his service through his internet provider. As part of upgrading his service he now has HBO. So he’s started watching True Blood. During his marathon viewing session on Saturday, he discovered several similarities between the Sookie Stackhouse mysteries and the Fifty Shades of Grey series by E.L. James.

Bark baby bark! Ed has found a rather disturbing story about a gentleman’s rather, ummm, unusual method of soliciting sex from his neighbor. Got hand? Rafe Biggs, a smoking hot quadriplegic from Oakland, has discovered that his brain has re-wired itself in a most curious manner. Who would Buddha do? Apparently, he’d do a temple fundraising professional in a North Chelmsford, Massachusetts temple who is the subject of a sex tape secretly produced there. That’s so gay. No really, it is. And what is it? My Best Gay Friends – an independently produced sitcom in Vietnam. Disney rolls out the precogs! How long will it be before you are added to Disney’s no fly list? And finally – want better sex? Become a fan of titanium!

Talk to you guys next week!


Sex Wonks Podcast Episode 42: Sex Ed Gone Wrong

The Wonks are back! And while they had a good time on their break, regretfully the cock truck didn’t make a delivery. However, it looks like Rosa may have a delivery scheduled soon. But, and there’s always a big but (or BUTT in Rosa’s case!), Rosa’s potential cock  may have a little re-learning to do with regard to making his moves. And who better to school the man, than Ms. Sparks herself – aka The Cock Whisperer.

Meanwhile, the Wonks have discovered an example of what not to do when it comes to teaching kids about the birds and the bees. Ed uncovered a video of a sex talk given by Pam Stenzle that can best be described as scary. Ms. Stenzle caused a bit of controversy recently during a similar talk she gave at a high school in Charleston, West Virginia. Student body President Katelyn Campbell, having had enough of the current culture of slut-shaming, refused to go to the mandatory assembly and filed a complaint with the ACLU.

As a result of Ms. Stenzle’s epic fail with her message, the Huffington Post solicited stories from their readers regarding their experiences with sex education which the Wonks share in the latter part of this week’s episode.

Thanks for sticking with us!


Sex Wonks Podcast Episode 41: Wonks Gone Wild?

Love is in the air everywhere we look around. Love is in the air, every sight and every sound! What is the sound the Wonks hope to hear over the next couple of weeks? They hope to hear the beep, beep, beep of the delivery truck backin’ up with an ass-load of cock to drop on their doorstep.

At the top of the episode, Ed shares that he’s feeling a wee bit nervous about his virtual boyfriend’s impending first in-person visit. Rosa pulls out her best Pat Benatar and says hit it with your best shot. Meanwhile, Rosa’s feeling grateful that her latest virtual fling is only 60 miles away rather than 6,000 miles away.

The killer bees have attacked again – but this time in a good way! Scientists from the Washington University (WU) School of Medicine in St. Louis, Missouri, identified the presence of a compound known as melittin that they say exhibits powerful anti-HIV effects. The bee venom toxin was visibly observed to destroy the viral components of HIV while leaving healthy cells unharmed. Let’s learn to love those killer bees and pet them!

Paris is burning? Apparently not for those who are perceived as disabled. This question came up recently after an official near Paris called for allowing sex assistants as part of publicly funded social services to offer “aid” to those, he said, who were least able to “discover their sexuality and their bodies.” The Socialist politician, Jerome Guedj, offered the most contentious proposal Monday, just ahead of the vote in the local council, removing the term “sex surrogates” after coming under criticism for opening the door to legalized prostitution. Sexual repression in FRANCE? Really?

To hook up or not to hook up? – that is the question. Is it nobler to keep it in your pants or to suffer the slings and arrows of shame and ambivalence about hooking up? In her new book, The End of Sex: How Hookup Culture Is Leaving a Generation Unhappy, Sexually Unfulfilled, and Confused About Intimacy, Donna Freitas has discovered that perhaps hooking up has become passé on college campuses. It seems when students are expected to hook up with lots of people, doing so becomes dutiful, not daring. Older ideas of sexual exploration — be it same-sex encounters or one-night stands — have become a basic expectation. So maybe good old fashioned dating and romance (without sex) is the new normal?



Sex Wonks Podcast Episode 40: Deep Throat Dahling

Do you deep throat? The Wonks do and this week they celebrate all that’s about going Linda Lovelace on it. First up, the Wonks pay their respect to one of the two porn stars who made ‘deep throat’ a household word—Mr. Harry Reems. While he was neither Johnny the Wadd nor a sonic hedgehog, Mr. Reems, in his own way, left an indelible mark in the annals of porn history.

Believe it or not, sex can kill. From New York, a disturbing story of bacterial meningitis that appears to be spreading through sexual encounters between men. The outbreak has sickened 22 and killed seven. According to Dr. Thomas Farley, the best defense is to get vaccinated. And it’s not only meningitis that can prove to be sexually fatal; Rosa discovers an article on claiming that oral sex is a deadly sin—literally. Tell us it’s not true!

According to Tennessee state senator, Stacey Campfield, “Perversity does not make diversity just because it’s at the university,” and as a result the fundies in the Tennessee state legislature have pressured the administrators of UT to cut funding for the planned Sex Week scheduled for the first week in April. Sex Week has become a tradition at many universities, including the Ivy League’s Yale, Harvard and Brown. But better get your Sex Week while you can kids, as it appears they may be on their way out. Yale this year held a shortened version of theirs – a Sex Weekend – perhaps due to bad publicity.

A vocal coach in Canada has discovered a new kind of deep throat. He’s using sex toys to assist his student in increasing their vocal power. University of Alberta drama professor David Ley uses hand-held vibrators to massage the throats of students. “What I’m trying to do is to help the person hit that high note or harness their emotional energy,” he told the Toronto Star. This gives new meaning to ‘rubbing one out’ – does it not?

Live by the tweet, die by the tweet? Adria Richards had no idea the firestorm she would create when she tweeted about the inappropriate behavior of fellow attendees of a tech conference. Ms. Richards received threats of violence and was fired after posting an image of male programmers she accused of making inappropriate innuendos at the conference they were attending. Her experience begs the question: When is too much far too much? And how far does one want to take it to make a point?